WELCOME TO MY FIRST BLOG POST, FAM!
Or should I say Happy Birthday to myself? Oooh yeah it’s my birthday. Good ol’ July 31st. It’s also JK Rowling and Harry Potter’s birthday (the character, not Daniel Radcliffe), which is why I had my 10th birthday party be the release party of a HP book in a Barnes & Noble. You don’t have to tell me I’m cool CAUSE I KNOW IT!
What a naturally perfect day to release my blog to the world? Name a better duo – blog debuts and birthdays – I’ll wait.
I had my birthday celebration on Saturday night with all my closest friends and, in true millennial fashion, it was extra as hell. Dinner was at a fantastic restaurant in uptown Charlotte called 204 North (204north.com, check them out yo), where my broke ass used to bartend and serve before I got my full-time job.
Then, we naturally got #LIT in the nightclubs of the Queen City.
Yes, that balloon made through the entire night. Yes, it did hit entirely too many people in the face.
My birthday celebration had me thinking about events and festivities that we, as millennials, like to throw for ourselves or others and just how UNNECESSARILY EXTRA they are.
And you want to know what? I LOVE it.
I think I missed my calling as an event planner because every single party I host must be flamboyant.
Like Kardashian one-year-old-that-doesn’t-even-know-what-is going-on-or-that-he/she-is-alive-at-all birthday party flamboyant.
Like, I’m sorry, kidchella? KID-EFFING-CHELLA!!!
Am I A) upset at how ridiculous this is or B) jealous that I will probably never be able to throw a party like that for myself? Damn right it’s B. I am “Blac Chyna watching her baby daddy date a teenager” jealous. (Irrelevant but important to note: why the EFF does anyone want to date Tyga’s gross ass anyway?!)
It is no secret that the majority of millennials need to document essentially every single aspect of their lives on social media.
I mean, did you really get Chipotle if you didn’t Snapchat it? Did you really #werk that skimpy dress as much as you thought you did if you didn’t get 100+ likes on Instagram?
So naturally, if you’re going to throw a party, it needs to be fabulous because you know that shit is going on The Gram, honey. Queue the GIANT “2-1” balloons to pose with once, and then leave them to deflate in the corner, to prove that you, in fact, turned 21.
But you know what?
I want those giant ass balloons at my party. I want to look dayum good for my birthday in a tiny dress and everyone in the social media stratosphere needs to know it! I want that “candid”, but completely staged, picture with my overly expensive cocktail that actually makes me gag a little with every sip. I want followers.
Is that too much to ask? Ask my parents? Yes it is. Ask anyone that doesn’t religiously use social media? Yes it is.
BUT I HAVE BEEN SUCKED IN I TELL YOU!
Can I dub myself “Thy Selfie Queen”? Why yes, yes I can. I can and I will. See?
Check out my Instagram and you’ll probably agree. @bribola. Always plug.
BUT there’s a huge difference between using social media & wanting followers and doing so while also realizing when it’s time to put down the phone and live in the moment. Time to see the world through your actual corneas rather than through the iPhone 7+ LTE HDE (or whatever the fuck it’s called) lens.
This is where millennials go wrong.
I see younger 20 somethings (ok and everyone else) that are literally Snapchatting every single second of their Saturday night out. They are STANDING ON CHAIRS IN A RESTAURANT to take a picture of their freaking chipotle bowl that, let’s be honest, looks like a pile of dirt (Delicious and heavenly tasting dirt, but that’s beside the point).
Listen kids. I am in my mid- twenties (I’ll let my age continue to be a mystery) and I am telling you:
DROP YOUR WEAPONS!
Put that damn telephone, which is another word for “phone” for all you youngins, in your pocket and ENJOY your time.
You can’t appreciate and truly know the amazing people who are in front of you if you’re trying to pick your best selfie out of the lineup of 147 photos you took that morning (in the best lighting of the house, of course. #relatableAF ).
Parents: if I see your child in a restaurant using an iPad at the table, you betta believe that I am judging you. Sorry not sorry.
That is the time to talk to your kids and for them to talk to you. You ever wonder why kids nowadays usually have the social skills of a wombat?
That’s insensitive of me. Wombats probably have better social skills than most adults in this world.
All in all, my lovely Millennial Monologue fam, I have many things that I need to share with you about the social construct that is “being a Millennial in today’s world”.
Some things about being a Millennial I can happily relate to having 32 puppies sitting on your entire body, while others I compare to perfecting one cateye with liquid eyeliner and then royally fucking up the other.
I look forward to your comments and feedback about my first evaa blog post, but also be nice, because I get the shits when I get anxious. I have an entirely too long list of topics that I want to talk about but PLEASE let me know what you would like my dumbass to rant about and I gladly will.
Subscribe to my blog by inputting your email on the home page so you never have to miss me pulling opinions and ideas out of my asshole.
And never forget, you betta werk.
A Millennial’s Monologue