I am Single and Ready for a Crap Load of Pringles

CAN WE TALK ABOUT BEING SINGLE?!

No, trust me. I would whole heartedly rather drown myself in chocolate covered raisins (those sneaky bastards) than tell you how alone and boyfriend-less I am. But that is exactly why I’m here: to embarrass myself in a sort of sick, twisted self-torture kinda way.

FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!

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I grew up, like any other Disney obsessed and delusional little girl, dreaming about my future husband, wedding and children.

I thought “I’m going to be married by 24, have a model-esque husband and breed 3 chiseled-jawed humans by the time I am 30 because I am NOT going to be an old geezer parent”.

Lol Briana, k.

But, here I am, not having reached any of those goals and you know what? I am perfectly fine with it.

Millennials have changed the game. Especially millennial women (preach).

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I hunted the World Wide Web and stumbled upon an article written by Jenny Kutner at Mic.com titled “8 Brutally Honest Reasons Why Millennial Women Are Staying Single” and I thought it was brilliant. Lacking a little bit of my humor, though.

But don’t fret little seedlings.

That’s why we’re here. Let’s take a deeper look into a few of the more important reasons, shall we?

1. “We’re busy starting our careers.”

Uh, yeah we are! This is one of the best things about millennials. We are *Webbie voice* I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that mean?

And yes, I had to google who sang that song because who the EFF knows who Webbie is?

As a girl, I heard all these stories from older generations about how they married at 22 and popped out tiny humans, while their husbands went to work every day and brought home the pork rinds. Personally, this terrified me.

Do you know how boring it is to sit at home all day?

Ok, it is super fun when you’re extremely hungover from the 6 Buttery Nipple shots you took the night before.

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But other than that: BOOORIIING!

There are only so many seasons of Friends (Ross + Rachel 5eva <3) that one can watch until you’re back picking at your eyelashes and staring at that old piece of pizza wondering if it is still safe to eat, for your bowels’ sake (don’t judge me).

The article states: “A report from the National Marriage Project found that college-educated women who stayed unmarried throughout their 20s earned more than $18,000 annually, on average, than those who married before turning 30.”.

AYYYY!

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Now, I don’t know about you, but $18,000 is a crap load of money, considering I have never seen that amount in any of my accounts. Well, except my student loan debt account, of course.

#RelatableAF.

2. “We have obscene student loan debt- and don’t want to deal with anyone else’s.”

Now, I am including this one because I only partially agree with it.  How much student loan debt is NOT the issue at hand here.

Honey, if you have $100,000 in debt from college and it is because you’re going to be a doctor then, BY ALL MEANS, be my life partner.

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HOWEVER

If you are in debt because you bought 3 Lambos and Ferraris that you couldn’t afford *cough Tyga cough*, then back the eff up before I curse the spirit of 2007 Kim Kardashian on your ass.

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Furthermore, if you are in debt because of school- like most of us broke ass millennials are- but you don’t know how to budget yourself and spend your money wisely, then we have an issue.

I can’t not date you just because you have debt- so do I. And I probably have more. So you should probably be “sneaky slithery snaaaake” slithering away from me, not the other way around.

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3.  “We haven’t met ‘the right person’.”

FUCKING PREACH JENNY!!!

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I met a woman in the airport the other week who was telling me about the separation she is going through because her and her ex “never left the friend stage” of their relationship.

I am shooketh.

MILLENNIAL WOMEN!!! The MOMENT you start to seriously consider legitimately dating someone think ‘Could I see myself marrying this person one day?’.

No, it’s not crazy. Stick with me here.

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  • If they like to tip terribly at restaurants and treat the servers like shit, even though the customer is clearly wrong, the answer is no. You probably don’t like puppies either, you wart.
  • If they think you “should wear less makeup because you look better without all that crap on your face”, the answer is no. I’m not wearing all this for you, honey.
  • IF THEY CHEATED ON YOU, the answer is hellllllll nah. Go die.

Oh wait, is this just about my past relationships? Oops.

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Good lord, I can’t wait for my blog telling you about my past relationships. #LOLJKIWOULDRATHERDIE

Bottom line, divorces are expensive. Wait for that person that makes you laugh until you fart and makes you food when you’re angry because they know you’re just hungry.

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4. “Being single can actually be awesome.”

I mean.. self explanatory. You’re free.

You are free to enjoy your night completely carefree without someone SCREAM TEXTING that you haven’t texted them back in 45 minutes (ok, I’ve done this too).

You are free to make out with that guy you have longily stared at on the other side of the bar for the last 20 minutes who could either be a male model or a serial killer. You’re not sure but you’re down to find out.

Being single is awesome.

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Literally, the only thing I miss about having my ex around is that he would eat my leftovers since I didn’t want them. Now I just waste a bunch of food.

I’m just kitten ya, though (kinda). I miss more thingy-ma-bobs about having a boyfriend.

Like perfectly cooked steaks.

But, the minute I’m not happy with the relationship anymore I go into, what I like to call, “trapped in the Sahara desert” mode. I literally panic and try almost anything to make the relationship survive.

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Omg Travis, you can totally go out with your friends, without me, for the third night in a row.

There’s no possible way you smoking so much weed that you pass out, instead of making it to dinner, pisses me the eff off, Chad.

I’m fine. See?

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I’M NOT FINE.

Well, that’s not okay, kids. The minute you’re not happy ‘127 Hours’ that shit and just chop it clean off. Kill it. Over. Donezo. Bye bye birdie.

Be single and enjoy the bajeezus out of it!!

Spread your wings you damn beautiful butterfly.

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You will know when you find that perfect person for you, one way or another. If you’re 27 and single, don’t freak.

You’re just still cookin’, good lookin’.

As always, leave me your comments. Tell me your stories. Even if it’s about the poop you took this morning. Maybe it will inspire me. A stimulating shit, if you will.

Subscribe to my blog so that you never miss one of my idiotic, but hopefully kinda funny, rants about millennial bullshit.

Make good choices you heathens. I’ll be watching.

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Love and Lactose Intolerance,

A Millennial’s Monologue

 

“8 Brutally Honest Reasons Why Millennial Women Are Staying Single” by Jenny Kutner: https://mic.com/articles/123850/8-brutally-honest-reasons-why-millennial-women-are-staying-single#.O16FJtTuM

10 Replies to “I am Single and Ready for a Crap Load of Pringles”

  1. I love ya Briana!! This is all so true. Enjoy the crap out of being single cuz once the kids come along you are no longer yourself.

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