I thoroughly believe that it should be a standard for a human being’s existence to have to work in service industry for AT LEAST a year. Like.. if you haven’t worked in service industry.. I don’t trust you.
Do you ever just see people that treat wait staff like butthole for their own inflated, egotistical entertainment and wanna slap them in the face with a cactus?
THOSE PEOPLE SHOULD BE SERVERS AND GET A TASTE OF WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DISHING OUT TO US. It’s only fair. Like The Purge but, instead of murder, a-holes just have to serve us drinks while we can make them hate their lives.
Here are 10 very annoying ways that you are pissing off your bartender. Just don’t do them and you’ll get great service. Please and thank you from all of us former, and current, service industry baddies.
1. “I don’t taste the alcohol in this.”
Omg, you don’t taste the vodka in your Sex on the Beach? No. Shit. Brenda. You know what I will do, though? I’ll pour vodka straight down your straw next time so that you a) taste the damn vodka and b) throw up.
2. Waving your money in my face to get my attention when I’m making other people’s drinks.
Well congratu-freaking-lations! You have officially pushed yourself to the back of the line. Better go wave your $5, that definitely won’t buy you anything, somewhere else.
3. Not tipping because the “drink took too long to make”.
Listen, antsy pants. I took your order along with 5 others. You each ordered multiple drinks. YOU SEE ME WORKING! I’m not standing around, with my finger in my ass, not serving you. I bet you can’t even think of 5 different reptiles at the same time, let alone memorize 5 different drink orders, can you? Peasant.
4. Trying to flirt with me while I am working.
Back. the. eff. up. Romeo. I only smiled at you because that $20 would help me pay for this manicure I’m trying to get. No, I do not want you to buy me a drink (unless I can run away right after). No, I am not staying here after my shift is over. No, I do not want to give you my number. Now pay and leave, please!
5. “Make my drink strong.”
Shaking my damn head. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and hope that you just don’t know that there is a measurement (legally, I might add) to how much alcohol goes into your drink. But if you do know this factoid of information, then I must happily slap you silly with a baked potato. If you tell me this before I make your drink, then you are definitely getting less alcohol than what you would have gotten. Sorry buttercup.
6. Not knowing your order when I come to you.
“Um, okay, I want 2 Bud Lights.. hold on. *turns around and yells to friend* Chad. CHAD! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK?”
By this time, I have already walked away, given you your two piss water beers, and picked some leftover chicken out of my teeth (sexy, I know #WifeMeUp). I have other people to attend to and every moment I’m standing here waiting on your frat bro to decide that he wants another rum & diet (watching his figure, I presume) is another dollar lost on a tip I could have gotten from someone else. You know you all want the same damn thing as last time, so just order it, dammit.
7. Not tipping at all.
Common sense, dude. If you don’t tip me, you’re not getting service anymore. It takes me 0.2 seconds to alert every other bartender what you have done (shame on you) and you will not get anymore alcohol beverages from this bar. Sowwy Charlie. You came out to the bar to purchase alcohol.. you have money to tip. Loser.
8. Telling me you’re ready to order and then asking me questions that could be answered by looking at the menu.
I don’t have tiiiiime for this shiiiiiit, yo. I’m sorry, man, but its on the menu, so look there. Let me know when you’re actually ready. I have other h00mans that are ready to order and not ask me if ranch comes on the Chicken BBQ Ranch Sandwich.
9. “Surprise me!”
Well.. SURPRISE! It’s a vodka soda. Hope you like bubbly water and limes. “Surprise me”, to you, might mean you’re gonna get some fancy light-me-on-fire drink. To me, it means you get the first generic POS drink that pops into my head. Enjoy 🙂
10. “Make me something good.”
Do you like vodka? Rum? Puppies? Punching babies? What is “good” to you? I bet that whatever I like, you won’t. The phrase “make me something good” automatically turns into me asking what you like, which turns into you telling me drinks you like, which turns into you ordering a drink that you should have just ordered in the first place. We could have avoided this whole waste of my time.
In conclusion, nuggets, don’t be an asshole. Tip your servers and bartenders, don’t be needy and annoying and definitely understand that we work our asses off to make sure that you have a good meal. If something goes wrong, its usually not our fault. And if it is our fault, remember that it is not the apocalypse and the only person that will be wanting to kill you will be your bartender. So sit down, shut the eff up and eat your damn burger!
Tips and Tipsy Toddlers,
A Millennial’s Monologue