Good lort men.. I mean COME ON. I know that “sliding into DMs” is all the rage right now. Heck, I did it quite recently.
BUT THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO SLIDE.
Just like if you slide feet first down a slide at a playground and you land pleasantly at the bottom vs. sliding head first and your face landing in that big pile of dog shit.
I have been working on growing my Instagram presence online and, unfortunately, this has solicited some unwanted male attention from men that just don’t know what the eff they are trying to accomplish.
Actually, I take that back.
I know EXACTLY what they are trying to accomplish.. and it is not happening, amigo.
I have taken the liberty of screenshotting some DMs that I have received in the last couple of weeks so that I can make you laugh.. and so maybe some of you men will learn.
Let us begin.
1. The “I’m actually being super polite & nice but if you answered back & seemed interested I would jump on that like basics on pumpkin spice” DM
Now.. this one didn’t bother me. Why? Because he was being super polite. If I was possibly into this guy.. this might have worked. So this isn’t as much of a shaming as maybe a guideline to go by.
I even more so appreciate that he didn’t respond after I said thank you.
2. The “I’m a photographer that uses it as a way to meet chicks & see them half naked” DM
I’m sorry.. let’s shoot? Let’s shoot what? Deer? Birds? Babies? Hoops?
Whenever you are reaching out to someone over social media to offer them a service like free product or, in this case, a photoshoot, you usually a) INTRODUCE YOURSELF and b) describe what you are wanting this person to participate in.
You DO NOT do what this gentleman did. Like no, let’s not shoot. Okbuhbyenow.
3. The “I’m probably still drunk from Saturday night and don’t want to seem like an idiot by trying to write a coherent sentence” DM
The praise hands emoji? Like, what?
I use this emoji when my friend tells me that her cat just killed a grasshopper in her apartment. I use this when my mom tells me that she can lend me some money for Sugar Bear Hair vitamins. I use this when my brother tags me in another Harry Potter meme on Facebook.
I don’t know what you mean, sir. But if you had a Harry Potter meme to send me.. DM me.
4. The “I’m going to try my best to get you to send me a picture of yourself even though I know the answer will be no every time” DM
Backstory: I had posted about my new workout program I have been doing (Camp Gladiator, wut wut) and said how my legs have noticeably gotten more definition.
More backstory: I am PISSED at myself that I didn’t keep earlier messages from this dude because he had previously asked me to get drinks some time and said I should get a “roofy-colada”.
Joke or no joke.. no thank you. Bye.
5. The “I tried once with no success but I figure I should try again because maybe she didn’t see it” DM
Oh no no no hunny.. I saw it. The message itself is not bad. What IS annoying is that, when I chose not to answer it the first time, you sent me another message trying to strike up casual conversation.
What is it with guys and not knowing how to read signals?
6. The “if I am annoying enough maybe she’ll just cave in and go out with me because she wants to shut me up” DM
I mean.. can we just look at the time stamp on these messages?
One week. ONE WEEK you wait to re-ask me the same freaking question.
First off, let’s back track to tell everyone that I had, in previous messages, told this guy that I would grab a drink with him “just as friends”. That is pretty freaking obvious that I don’t want to even go down this road to begin with.
You’re just annoying me. You’re not helping your case. Even if I wasn’t talking to someone.. I do not want to talk to you.
7. The “This isn’t even hitting on me it’s just funny & weird so I wanted to post it” DM
Why would I want lingerie from someone else… like… is it used? Ew, no thank you. Sell that shit on Craigslist and some weirdo will buy it.
Also, I was thoroughly confused at first when I was wondering why teddy bears had such specific sizing.
Now, if you are one of these guys that sent me these messages that is trying to hit on me.. no hard feelings. No one else knows who you are.
But please take this as a learning curve for how you are hitting on women so terribly wrong.
And if you send me a message after you read this trying to tell me you weren’t hitting on me in some way, shape or form.. just don’t.
DMs & Dirtbags,
A Millennial’s Monolgue